So yes, I have slacked. And yes, I’m just a super horrible person (those two aren’t direct correlations of each other, just observations I’m making). BUT I AM BACK! And I’m skipping ahead to last night’s episode and at some point before the season is done, I may just update the previous two episodes because let’s be honest, Olivia’s elimination was far too good to not be acknowledged. But that is for another time, so let’s get started on last night.
Ben and the ladies travel to Jamaica to which Ben once again tells us what a great place it is to fall in love. Like Vegas. And Mexico City. You know, he’s not wrong, apparently you can fall in love anywhere because it’s a feeling and not a location. And I’ve ordered Domino’s all over the nation and when that delivery man arrives, I know the exact feeling that Ben is talking about. The Bachelor producers found the most romantic hotel and put these people up in Sandals, an all-inclusive family resort.
His first date is with Caila and they meet up at a river to participate in the Tom Sawyer ride at Disneyland or the Jungle Cruise or something. And after some uncomfortable silences for both them and the audience, Ben finally speaks up with “Pretty relaxing” and at least we don’t have to wait two hours to know who is going home this week. They stop for jerk chicken where Ben wants Caila to be open and if you’re in the final 3, you need to be pretty open by now (and not just in the fantasy suite). Caila is like “oh yeah totally, oh my gosh you’re like SO right” and yet, doesn’t actually give us any insight into how she is feeling. When they meet back up for dinner, Caila lets us know that she is going to be more vulnerable and tell him how she feels. I forget what she says, but its the usual Bachelor fodder that ends with “I love you” and Ben cares for her. Awkward only because we know he tells two girls he loves them. After, they head into the ocean to watch a fireworks show and can anybody explain to me what kind of bathing suit Caila was wearing? First it looked like underwear, then it was a Brazilian cut and I’ve spent far too much time trying to analyze what happened there. They head back to the Fantasy Suite and the doors close, and what Caila couldn’t say in words, I’m sure she made up for with her “Sex Panther” moves. They wake up the next morning and Ben says “Do you always wake up this cute?” And its like, hell no she does not. She woke up an hour earlier than you, plugged in that curling iron, threw on some morning foundation and gargled mouthwash.
He says goodbye to Caila and proceeds to Date #2 with Lauren B. And I wonder if Ben got to decide who got what date, because their date is way better than his with Caila’s. They take a boat to a small beach where they help release baby turtles into the wild. After a bath, they empty these little cuties onto the sand where they once again get dirty and head into the water to continue their Finding Nemo adventure. After, Lauren and Ben sit on the beach where Ben tells Lauren she is too good for him. And am I missing something? Like yes, she is conventionally cute, great bod and seems like a nice girl but pretty sure she isn’t in MENSA and she’s a flight attendant. I’m not knocking her career or who she is as a person, but she is on The Bachelor to find love, so don’t put her up on that pedestal, Ben. They get to go to a reggae concert (again way better than Caila date) and then have dinner. Also, let’s take a moment to talk about Lauren B.’s abs. How? What work out is she doing? Is this what she gets from bending over to hand people drinks and peanuts on the plane!? Girl is ripped. After accepting the Fantasy Suite card, Lauren B tells Ben that she loves him and SHOCKER, he says its back. And duh because I’ve been saying she is the one since Episode One. They are in LOVE! She sleeps over because how can she not, and I’m sure she takes Caila’s sloppy seconds and they do it.
Lauren B wakes up the next day confirming that Ben is her person, and how could she not think that, after he told her he is in love with her. Betch thinks she has this in the bag, talking about their future and more mornings of waking up together. Slow your roll (even though you’ll probably win). Confused, Ben leaves Lauren to go on his final date with JoJo. He has to put his feelings away for Lauren B and focus on his relationship with Jojo. In their second helicopter rendezvous, Sandals heli takes them around the island and drops them off at some waterfalls where JoJos boobs are on full display. Honestly, I knew she had fake boobs, but this episode really “enhanced” the fact that she puts them on display (ba dum-dum). Also, isn’t Jamaica a third world country? Where is all of this beautiful scenery coming from? It almost makes me want to travel there. Almost. Anyways, they sit on a wet rock where JoJo tells Ben that she loves him. And again, Ben shocks the nation AND JoJo by telling her he loves her too. She even says “Are you allowed to say that?” And its like, well yeah, he just did. Anyways, they go to dinner and since the ILY is already on the table, it goes smoothly and they also go to the Fantasy Suite, where for the third day in a row, Ben and his tattoo get laid. They share breakfast the next day and there is still 30 minutes left in the episode so its like, what is going to happen next?
Ben tells us he is in love with two women and he will have to let Caila go while Caila is simultaneously putting on a hideous halter crop top and black skirt to go surprise Ben and spend some more time with him. And I’m already cringing. She arrives at his Sandals suite–which why did she have to take a car to it? Are they that far apart? Are the girls staying in an AirBnB and not given the same digs as Ben?–and can’t find him in the house. She runs around with a creepy smile playing a game of Hide n Seek, where she is trying to find her dignity. Instead, she finally finds Ben outside and covers his eyes to surprise him. The color drains from his face when he sees that its her. They have a seat where he gently breaks it down that he is in love with two people and its not her. He also says that he is really going to miss her. She tells him that is a line. Not knowing what else to say he walks her to the car and they stand there as she awkwardly sobs into his chest and its like SAVE SOME FACE, GIRL. Get in the car! When she does, she decides she needs a bit more closer and hops out. It’s like, the Women Tell All is where you’re supposed to have this convo, not at Sandals Jamaica, the most romantic place in the world! She asks when he knew he didn’t love her and wants the answers she isn’t going to get. Ben, the future POTUS, gives her a vague answer that she seems to finally accept, all while I’m legit curled up into the fetus position, rocking back and forth, waiting for her to go. When she does get in the car, she breaks down, and surprisingly is not a hideous crier.
Usually the Bachelor producers pick third place as the new Bachelorette, but we can all agree that she is a horrible choice right? My vote is that he proposes to Lauren B and that JoJo is the new Bachelorette. Only because I want her mom to get more screen time. That lady is a gem and I need to know more about her.