Viva La Mexico!

This week, the Bachelor producers decide to take us to the second most romantic city in the world, Mexico City. Ben also lets us know that Mexico City is the “political and cultural capital of Mexico” which makes me think that Ben doesn’t understand what a capital is in general. Only one capital in Mexico, Ben… Ay Dios Mio, amirite?

Ben fels like his relationships are all progressing, which is what happens as each day becomes the next but I digress because we need to know all of this. Olivia is still riding the train to Crazy Town with regards to how strong her relationship is AND she found a bidet in the hotel. Things are starting off well for this episode.

The first one-on-one date is with Amanda. Ben goes to wake her up, as well as the other girls, at 4:00am to really get this party started. Lauren H. basically seals her fate when he sees her retainer, to which Ben nicely says he has one too, but we all know she’s not for long now… Girl just wants to keep them teeth straight!

Amanda wakes up in pure perfection as she must take a tip from Britt of Chris’ season by putting on her makeup BEFORE she goes to sleep. They are up early because they are taking a hot air balloon ride, which, again, we have seen before. Everything is “amazing” to them but uber boring to me. DVR is so handy. To the night date, Amanda tells Ben and us that she was married to her babies daddy but he was always texting other beezies and it didn’t work out. Let’s remember that Amanda is 25, and I’m going to assume this guy was around the same age and if she has a 5 year old, are we shocked that a 20 year old doesn’t want to keep it in his pants? (Too cynical? Nah…) Well, Ben IS shocked that anybody could let somebody like Amanda go and blah blah she gets the rose.

Group date is the next day with Lauren B, Olivia, Emily, JoJo, Becca, JuJuBee, Leah and Caila (ED NOTE: Jennifer was there too but she bores me and is unmemorable so I’m not changing my previous sentence). They go learn Spanish with fun phrases like “Te Amo” and “Donde esta el bano?” and other loving sentences. And JuJuBee’s downfall begins. He is saying the same thing to the other girls and she just doesn’t feel like its true when he says it to her, which NO DUH, he’s repeating a fun phrase the producers put him up to. I think there really needs to be a Bachelor 101 class before any of these girls arrive on Night 1. It would really clear up what happens on this show.

After, they go to a cooking class where there is (SURPRISE!) a competition. Teams of two happen, and oh my, would you look at that, somebody is going to have to pair up with Ben. And if anybody thought it would be someone besides Olivia, well that’s just silly. They basically have their own one-on-one date eating crickets and trying to cure her of her dragonbreath with mint. JuJu and Lauren B end up winning even though neither of them smile through it while in justice, Olivia’s is compared to dog food.

At the cocktail party, Olivia grabs him first and as the montage of time with other women is shown, so is JuJu slowly coming undone. When he finally asks to steal her away and tries to grab her hand, she reacts so fastly with moving away that you’d think Ben had leprecy, which would be REALLY difficult for The Bachelor to have on this show… Ben is annoyed and remember how he thought all those relationships were progressing, well now there is nothing with Juj and he lets her know how unfair it would be to keep her here knowing that there is nothing. And with that, he eliminates the last person of color on the show. Hopefully someone was on watch to make sure she didn’t throw herself off a Mexican cliff or partake in a Donkey Show or eat the worm from the tequila bottle and oh does it really matter? Once these ladies depart my TV screen, I’ve already forgotten everything about them.

JoJo takes this opportunity to console him and tell him what a great guy is. And you think between her and Lauren B, one of them has to get the date rose right? But UGH to everybody’s dismay, that flat-faced troll Olivia receives it, furthering her dreams of winning this game.

The next day, Lauren H and Ben go out on their one-on-one. Ben needs to know if there can be more than a friendship with her AKA if he can look past her Jurassic Park Laura Dern likeness and maybe find her attractive? (Remember guys, he still has that retainer image in his head) Did you all know that Mexico has a fashion week? I sure as hell did not. Well Lauren H and Ben get to walk in a show and model their best poncho and sombrero while a live band performs “Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay…” which Lauren tells us has been the best day of her life. And it makes me sad for these girls that they have had no excitement prior to being a contestant. Competing for love. On TV. They go to dinner afterwards and another girl has another story of being cheated on, and I’m so bored that I watch in double-time and notice he gives her a rose. Great!

We finally make it to the rose ceremony cocktail party where Olivia, in between sniffing her already received rose, calls Amanda “Teen Mom”, which isn’t sooooo far from the truth but I guess also super offensive because those girls are white trash? I only know about that Back Door Teen Mom, so if I have to go off of that, then I agree, SOO offensive. Olivia then kind of apologizes by saying “I’m trying” and I’m not sure if she means she’s trying to apologize or trying to be friends with these girls or just trying to lose weight in her cankles. Whatever it is, it’s keeping me entertained, so keep going Dragonbreath! Emily tells Ben that Olivia is disrespectful, and she probably cries because I think that is all she knows how to do. Amanda tells Ben she feels she is being targeted. Ben doesn’t like what is going on and pulls Olivia to the side to speak with her. Could this be the first time in Bachelor history that someone gets their rose taken away and eliminated!? Is that in the rules? Is he allowed to do that!? Well, we won’t know until next week. CLIFFHANGER!

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Viva La Mexico!

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