The Untalent Show

Yes, I am 3 weeks behind on this recap. Yes, like a good Vegas trip, I’m having a hard time recalling this episode. Yes, I’m going to do my best to remember what happened. Although, TL;DR–Drama, girl-on-girl hate crimes, eliminations, roses, cankles…

This week, Chris tells the ladies that they are headed to the Marriage Capital of the World, which is like Paris? Venice? NO! He meant the Marriage Capital of the World Decided by Bad Decisions and Alcohol: LAS VEGAS!

First one-on-one of the episode goes to JoJo where she and Ben meet on a rooftop and sip champagne while waiting for a helicopter to pick them up. The helicopter arrives and in a scene from the movie, knocks over their table that they use as a shield to make out. The other girls can see this happening and are so disgusted and leave the window with their ego deflated. The girls watching JoJo on her date is the equivalent of asking the guy you’re kiiiiiind of seeing to go through his phone. You KNOW you’re going to find something bad in there, so why even tempt yourself. (Moral of that story: Just don’t date. Then you only have to go through your phone and tempt yourself with reading the drunk texts you sent the night before.)

The helicopter must have been SO fun because we don’t even see any of it and go right into dinner. A match made in boring heaven. They talk about JoJo’s past where she may or may not have revealed that an ex-boyfriend cheated on her. In her paraphrased words, “I was not the only one involved.” So maybe he didn’t cheat, and there was a sister wife thing going on that she finally decided to end. Who knows. That JoJo, quite the mystery. Must have been good enough for Ben, as he gives her a rose and then they head to ANOTHER rooftop to watch a fireworks show over Vegas. The other girls are again jealous as they watch from their jail cell of a hotel room and Olivia says that she feels like she is being cheated on. Which, she technically is, although who knows if her and Ben ever made it Facebook Official: “It’s Complicated”.

The next day, the group date goes to the Terry Fator show, which is apparently a ventriloquist show. And if my life ever gets so horrible that I text you I’m in Vegas and am sober, watching a ventriloquist, just kill me. Because I’ve hit rock bottom. But, I digress. The girls will be opening for Terry showing off their “talents”. Obviously in quotes, because let’s go over what some of these girls did.

The Twins: Riverdance

JuJuBee: plays the cello

Leah: rides a pogostick while dressed as a clown

Lauren H: dresses in a chicken suit and reads a poem

Amanda: hula hoops

Caila: hula dances

Rachel: makes balloon animals

Jennifer: hits tennis balls

And then, there is Olivia. Olivia. Olivia. Olivia. Her talent is being able to embarrass herself to the nth degree. She pops out of a cake and does a horrible kickline (which must be hard trying to lift those cankles up in the air) all the while the audience is questioning why they decided to come to a free show of Terry Fator’s (because lets be honest, none of them could have paid to go to that show. They HAD to get free tickets.) Basically, everybody is embarrassed for Olivia. Backstage, Olivia has a “panic attack” a la Kelsey from last season and at this point, does anybody even care?

Meanwhile, Caila and Ben have some one-on-one time where he calls her a “sex panther” which 60% of the time, it works every time. Then Lauren H. and “lil Ben” get some time. And sadly, I actually wish that was a euphemism for sex and not for a puppet that Ben holds on his lap. Olivia, in all her horror, interrupts to apologize for today and Ben doesn’t even know what she is talking about–a nice guy good at pretending–when one of the Twins comes around. According to Olivia, that is “funkadelic”. Groovy, baby.

Finally, the night portion of the cocktail party. Ben and Lauren B talk, where he reassures her that she’s basically the winner and he can’t wait to spend his life with her. Then he talks to the other Twin and Olivia gets revenge by interrupting them. Ben, she needs you to know that today “was not me”. Whereas Ben legit doesn’t even know what she’s talking about. He’s seen those cankles, he didn’t expect a perfect high kick. To shut her up, he leans in for a kiss which seems to make everything better, and Olivia has gone back to planning their ABC-featured wedding.

Olivia thinks receiving the group date rose would be “wowee” but in a shocking twist, Ben ends up giving the rose to Lauren B. And Olivia crashes and burns once again.

Becca gets a package delivered the next day for her one-on-one with Ben. And its a wedding dress! Everybody is shocked and confused. What could this mean? Is the show over? Has he made his decision?! As one of the Twins says, “I would love to get married to Ben on our first date.” I think she signed up for the wrong show. ‘Married at First Sight’ is a TLC show, and the success of those marriages are probably equivalent to those of The Bachelor.

JuJuBee has the line of the episode with “If she waited 26 years, I doubt it’s going to happen in the next 6 hours.” Girl can throw some shade.

Becca gets picked up in a pink convertible by Elvis, because this show is nothing if not one large cliche. They arrive at a wedding chapel, where Ben gets down on one knee and asks Becca, “Will you marry other people with me today?” This looks like a whole lot of awkward as I’m wondering if the people being married even know each other or if this is real or if that Asian couple have ever kissed? Luckily for me, I’m not on this show, because Becca finds it so romantic, and is glad that Ben chose her to do this with.

That night, they head to the Neon Museum, which actually looks like a fun place to see signs die, but I somehow doubt they actually did a tour of it. Anyways, Ben wants to know if Becca can feel and if this is somehow real. Where Becca lets him know this time she is all in. Ben apparently wrote some vows to Becca and its a little weird for a first date, but this is The Bachelor, so then, its not weird at all. She says some things back and who really remembers but its enough to get the date rose and stick around for a few more episodes.

Chris Harrison shows up to the hotel suite to say that Ben has made a special request, to basically throw the Twins into a two-on-one. Since the Twins are from Las Vegas, he takes them home to meet their mom and see their cute tween-themed rooms. Was anybody else disappointed to learn that they had their own rooms? I was really hoping for bunk beds. Haley takes Ben to her room first, asking him to view them as different people, and in my head, I imagine Ben taking a marker and secretly marking her arm in order to tell them apart, a la Michael Scott in The Office. Emily takes Ben into her room and they cuddle a bit and she throws Haley under the bus by telling him that Haley has said Emily has the stronger connection with him. Sisters before Misters no longer. Ben sits them down on the couch with their mother, where he then eliminates Haley and leaves, letting their mom console her. Did girl even get to pack her luggage? Did Emily just get an entire new wardrobe? Sounds like Haley really got screwed here…

Cocktail party finally happens and Leah announces “Here comes our boyfriend” which is adorable and uncomfortable all at the same time, but definitely a win for the Mormon religion, right? Jennifer steals him first and they chat about god knows what because she is so unmemorable to me, but a nice face to look at. Olivia then shows up to steal him away and show him her real talent: eating cake. Those tree stumps can’t grow themselves, you know. JuJuBee and Ben have a nice convo where he tells her he finds her awkwardness endearing.

At the rose ceremony, we are reminded that Amber is on this show again, where she worries she may not get a rose. And as if she is Miss Cleo, she does NOT receive a rose, along with Rachel. But Amber is not walking away in those heels. She’s really going to sell this exit. She yanks those puppies off and then collapses on a lounge chair out of Ben’s eyesight where she makes a case for why she should be on the next season of BiP.

Did anybody else try Caila’s game of trying to get the cookie in your mouth? No? Just me? Well, I’ll be practicing until I’m confident I can beat her…

 

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The Untalent Show

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