Viva La Mexico!

This week, the Bachelor producers decide to take us to the second most romantic city in the world, Mexico City. Ben also lets us know that Mexico City is the “political and cultural capital of Mexico” which makes me think that Ben doesn’t understand what a capital is in general. Only one capital in Mexico, Ben… Ay Dios Mio, amirite?

Ben fels like his relationships are all progressing, which is what happens as each day becomes the next but I digress because we need to know all of this. Olivia is still riding the train to Crazy Town with regards to how strong her relationship is AND she found a bidet in the hotel. Things are starting off well for this episode.

The first one-on-one date is with Amanda. Ben goes to wake her up, as well as the other girls, at 4:00am to really get this party started. Lauren H. basically seals her fate when he sees her retainer, to which Ben nicely says he has one too, but we all know she’s not for long now… Girl just wants to keep them teeth straight!

Amanda wakes up in pure perfection as she must take a tip from Britt of Chris’ season by putting on her makeup BEFORE she goes to sleep. They are up early because they are taking a hot air balloon ride, which, again, we have seen before. Everything is “amazing” to them but uber boring to me. DVR is so handy. To the night date, Amanda tells Ben and us that she was married to her babies daddy but he was always texting other beezies and it didn’t work out. Let’s remember that Amanda is 25, and I’m going to assume this guy was around the same age and if she has a 5 year old, are we shocked that a 20 year old doesn’t want to keep it in his pants? (Too cynical? Nah…) Well, Ben IS shocked that anybody could let somebody like Amanda go and blah blah she gets the rose.

Group date is the next day with Lauren B, Olivia, Emily, JoJo, Becca, JuJuBee, Leah and Caila (ED NOTE: Jennifer was there too but she bores me and is unmemorable so I’m not changing my previous sentence). They go learn Spanish with fun phrases like “Te Amo” and “Donde esta el bano?” and other loving sentences. And JuJuBee’s downfall begins. He is saying the same thing to the other girls and she just doesn’t feel like its true when he says it to her, which NO DUH, he’s repeating a fun phrase the producers put him up to. I think there really needs to be a Bachelor 101 class before any of these girls arrive on Night 1. It would really clear up what happens on this show.

After, they go to a cooking class where there is (SURPRISE!) a competition. Teams of two happen, and oh my, would you look at that, somebody is going to have to pair up with Ben. And if anybody thought it would be someone besides Olivia, well that’s just silly. They basically have their own one-on-one date eating crickets and trying to cure her of her dragonbreath with mint. JuJu and Lauren B end up winning even though neither of them smile through it while in justice, Olivia’s is compared to dog food.

At the cocktail party, Olivia grabs him first and as the montage of time with other women is shown, so is JuJu slowly coming undone. When he finally asks to steal her away and tries to grab her hand, she reacts so fastly with moving away that you’d think Ben had leprecy, which would be REALLY difficult for The Bachelor to have on this show… Ben is annoyed and remember how he thought all those relationships were progressing, well now there is nothing with Juj and he lets her know how unfair it would be to keep her here knowing that there is nothing. And with that, he eliminates the last person of color on the show. Hopefully someone was on watch to make sure she didn’t throw herself off a Mexican cliff or partake in a Donkey Show or eat the worm from the tequila bottle and oh does it really matter? Once these ladies depart my TV screen, I’ve already forgotten everything about them.

JoJo takes this opportunity to console him and tell him what a great guy is. And you think between her and Lauren B, one of them has to get the date rose right? But UGH to everybody’s dismay, that flat-faced troll Olivia receives it, furthering her dreams of winning this game.

The next day, Lauren H and Ben go out on their one-on-one. Ben needs to know if there can be more than a friendship with her AKA if he can look past her Jurassic Park Laura Dern likeness and maybe find her attractive? (Remember guys, he still has that retainer image in his head) Did you all know that Mexico has a fashion week? I sure as hell did not. Well Lauren H and Ben get to walk in a show and model their best poncho and sombrero while a live band performs “Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay…” which Lauren tells us has been the best day of her life. And it makes me sad for these girls that they have had no excitement prior to being a contestant. Competing for love. On TV. They go to dinner afterwards and another girl has another story of being cheated on, and I’m so bored that I watch in double-time and notice he gives her a rose. Great!

We finally make it to the rose ceremony cocktail party where Olivia, in between sniffing her already received rose, calls Amanda “Teen Mom”, which isn’t sooooo far from the truth but I guess also super offensive because those girls are white trash? I only know about that Back Door Teen Mom, so if I have to go off of that, then I agree, SOO offensive. Olivia then kind of apologizes by saying “I’m trying” and I’m not sure if she means she’s trying to apologize or trying to be friends with these girls or just trying to lose weight in her cankles. Whatever it is, it’s keeping me entertained, so keep going Dragonbreath! Emily tells Ben that Olivia is disrespectful, and she probably cries because I think that is all she knows how to do. Amanda tells Ben she feels she is being targeted. Ben doesn’t like what is going on and pulls Olivia to the side to speak with her. Could this be the first time in Bachelor history that someone gets their rose taken away and eliminated!? Is that in the rules? Is he allowed to do that!? Well, we won’t know until next week. CLIFFHANGER!

Viva La Mexico!

The Untalent Show

Yes, I am 3 weeks behind on this recap. Yes, like a good Vegas trip, I’m having a hard time recalling this episode. Yes, I’m going to do my best to remember what happened. Although, TL;DR–Drama, girl-on-girl hate crimes, eliminations, roses, cankles…

This week, Chris tells the ladies that they are headed to the Marriage Capital of the World, which is like Paris? Venice? NO! He meant the Marriage Capital of the World Decided by Bad Decisions and Alcohol: LAS VEGAS!

First one-on-one of the episode goes to JoJo where she and Ben meet on a rooftop and sip champagne while waiting for a helicopter to pick them up. The helicopter arrives and in a scene from the movie, knocks over their table that they use as a shield to make out. The other girls can see this happening and are so disgusted and leave the window with their ego deflated. The girls watching JoJo on her date is the equivalent of asking the guy you’re kiiiiiind of seeing to go through his phone. You KNOW you’re going to find something bad in there, so why even tempt yourself. (Moral of that story: Just don’t date. Then you only have to go through your phone and tempt yourself with reading the drunk texts you sent the night before.)

The helicopter must have been SO fun because we don’t even see any of it and go right into dinner. A match made in boring heaven. They talk about JoJo’s past where she may or may not have revealed that an ex-boyfriend cheated on her. In her paraphrased words, “I was not the only one involved.” So maybe he didn’t cheat, and there was a sister wife thing going on that she finally decided to end. Who knows. That JoJo, quite the mystery. Must have been good enough for Ben, as he gives her a rose and then they head to ANOTHER rooftop to watch a fireworks show over Vegas. The other girls are again jealous as they watch from their jail cell of a hotel room and Olivia says that she feels like she is being cheated on. Which, she technically is, although who knows if her and Ben ever made it Facebook Official: “It’s Complicated”.

The next day, the group date goes to the Terry Fator show, which is apparently a ventriloquist show. And if my life ever gets so horrible that I text you I’m in Vegas and am sober, watching a ventriloquist, just kill me. Because I’ve hit rock bottom. But, I digress. The girls will be opening for Terry showing off their “talents”. Obviously in quotes, because let’s go over what some of these girls did.

The Twins: Riverdance

JuJuBee: plays the cello

Leah: rides a pogostick while dressed as a clown

Lauren H: dresses in a chicken suit and reads a poem

Amanda: hula hoops

Caila: hula dances

Rachel: makes balloon animals

Jennifer: hits tennis balls

And then, there is Olivia. Olivia. Olivia. Olivia. Her talent is being able to embarrass herself to the nth degree. She pops out of a cake and does a horrible kickline (which must be hard trying to lift those cankles up in the air) all the while the audience is questioning why they decided to come to a free show of Terry Fator’s (because lets be honest, none of them could have paid to go to that show. They HAD to get free tickets.) Basically, everybody is embarrassed for Olivia. Backstage, Olivia has a “panic attack” a la Kelsey from last season and at this point, does anybody even care?

Meanwhile, Caila and Ben have some one-on-one time where he calls her a “sex panther” which 60% of the time, it works every time. Then Lauren H. and “lil Ben” get some time. And sadly, I actually wish that was a euphemism for sex and not for a puppet that Ben holds on his lap. Olivia, in all her horror, interrupts to apologize for today and Ben doesn’t even know what she is talking about–a nice guy good at pretending–when one of the Twins comes around. According to Olivia, that is “funkadelic”. Groovy, baby.

Finally, the night portion of the cocktail party. Ben and Lauren B talk, where he reassures her that she’s basically the winner and he can’t wait to spend his life with her. Then he talks to the other Twin and Olivia gets revenge by interrupting them. Ben, she needs you to know that today “was not me”. Whereas Ben legit doesn’t even know what she’s talking about. He’s seen those cankles, he didn’t expect a perfect high kick. To shut her up, he leans in for a kiss which seems to make everything better, and Olivia has gone back to planning their ABC-featured wedding.

Olivia thinks receiving the group date rose would be “wowee” but in a shocking twist, Ben ends up giving the rose to Lauren B. And Olivia crashes and burns once again.

Becca gets a package delivered the next day for her one-on-one with Ben. And its a wedding dress! Everybody is shocked and confused. What could this mean? Is the show over? Has he made his decision?! As one of the Twins says, “I would love to get married to Ben on our first date.” I think she signed up for the wrong show. ‘Married at First Sight’ is a TLC show, and the success of those marriages are probably equivalent to those of The Bachelor.

JuJuBee has the line of the episode with “If she waited 26 years, I doubt it’s going to happen in the next 6 hours.” Girl can throw some shade.

Becca gets picked up in a pink convertible by Elvis, because this show is nothing if not one large cliche. They arrive at a wedding chapel, where Ben gets down on one knee and asks Becca, “Will you marry other people with me today?” This looks like a whole lot of awkward as I’m wondering if the people being married even know each other or if this is real or if that Asian couple have ever kissed? Luckily for me, I’m not on this show, because Becca finds it so romantic, and is glad that Ben chose her to do this with.

That night, they head to the Neon Museum, which actually looks like a fun place to see signs die, but I somehow doubt they actually did a tour of it. Anyways, Ben wants to know if Becca can feel and if this is somehow real. Where Becca lets him know this time she is all in. Ben apparently wrote some vows to Becca and its a little weird for a first date, but this is The Bachelor, so then, its not weird at all. She says some things back and who really remembers but its enough to get the date rose and stick around for a few more episodes.

Chris Harrison shows up to the hotel suite to say that Ben has made a special request, to basically throw the Twins into a two-on-one. Since the Twins are from Las Vegas, he takes them home to meet their mom and see their cute tween-themed rooms. Was anybody else disappointed to learn that they had their own rooms? I was really hoping for bunk beds. Haley takes Ben to her room first, asking him to view them as different people, and in my head, I imagine Ben taking a marker and secretly marking her arm in order to tell them apart, a la Michael Scott in The Office. Emily takes Ben into her room and they cuddle a bit and she throws Haley under the bus by telling him that Haley has said Emily has the stronger connection with him. Sisters before Misters no longer. Ben sits them down on the couch with their mother, where he then eliminates Haley and leaves, letting their mom console her. Did girl even get to pack her luggage? Did Emily just get an entire new wardrobe? Sounds like Haley really got screwed here…

Cocktail party finally happens and Leah announces “Here comes our boyfriend” which is adorable and uncomfortable all at the same time, but definitely a win for the Mormon religion, right? Jennifer steals him first and they chat about god knows what because she is so unmemorable to me, but a nice face to look at. Olivia then shows up to steal him away and show him her real talent: eating cake. Those tree stumps can’t grow themselves, you know. JuJuBee and Ben have a nice convo where he tells her he finds her awkwardness endearing.

At the rose ceremony, we are reminded that Amber is on this show again, where she worries she may not get a rose. And as if she is Miss Cleo, she does NOT receive a rose, along with Rachel. But Amber is not walking away in those heels. She’s really going to sell this exit. She yanks those puppies off and then collapses on a lounge chair out of Ben’s eyesight where she makes a case for why she should be on the next season of BiP.

Did anybody else try Caila’s game of trying to get the cookie in your mouth? No? Just me? Well, I’ll be practicing until I’m confident I can beat her…

 

The Untalent Show