Get it Toe-gether!

Week 3 of our favorite show begins with Amanda and Lauren B talking about how Olivia is deep down, a mean girl. They can’t find anything to connect with her about. And they are setting this up for an unforgetoeble episode.

Date card comes and the music to announce is so freaking dramatic reminscing on who did not receive a date card from last week, and JuJuBee starting to freak out. The card is opened and Lauren B. gets that one-on-one with Ben. They drive off with the top down (the car, not Lauren B.–she’s classy) on PCH where they end up at a small airport. Lauren B., the flight attendant, is TERRIFIED, which it’s like LIAR! You do this for a living and all of a sudden you’re terrified? Is that because there is nobody asking you for peanuts or a refill on their tomato juice? Or are you just a lying liar who lies to play the Damsel in Distress act? Either way, eye roll. They take flight and in a super troll-like move that was all Lauren B.’s idea, they fly over the mansion much to the other girls chagrin. Let me tell you, that move was freaking genius. As Katy Perry would say, watch out for the Regina George in sheep’s clothing.

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The plane lands in some meadow where there is conveniently a hot tub. Which makes me question production. Whose idea was this? How did they get said hot tub out there? Is it still there? How did they heat it? What did they plug it into? Do meadows come with built in electricity!? As one does in a hot tub, they make out which is all a lot because they haven’t had any real time to get to know each other, but hey, who am I to judge. Make out, kids!

At dinner, they talk about Lauren B.’s family. Her dad is simple and she wants to marry someone just like him. Simple like Simple Jack? Ben then shares that his dad had heart surgery, but since we saw his dad in Episode 1, we know he is doing much better. So phew. Crisis averted. They have another private concert with some random band that I did not catch the name of and all I’m thinking is WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?! Does ABC now have a record label and are pushing their “big” signings!?

He gives her a rose and am I the only one who thinks that this girl has it in the bag? Watching this entire date, it’s like let’s fast-forward and just give her the final rose!

Image result for jubilee bachelor caviar

Back at the mansion, Caila is crying because she thought that when she left her boyfriend after seeing Ben on TV, and then came on a TV show called THE BACHELOR, that Ben would be going on dates with other women. It’s just like reaaaaaaally hard for her to watch. Do these girls not understand the premise of this show? It’s legit the easiest thing to understand: You AND 25+ OTHER GIRLS will compete for ONE man’s love. That’s it.

The Bachelor recycles from Juan Pablo’s season and has a group date at The Coliseum. Alex Morgan and Kelley O’Hara from USWNT come in to help whip these girls into shape. It makes me wonder who thought this was a good idea? I’m really hoping that both are just huge Bach fans and thought it would be the easiest way to be on the show but like not have to compete for love.

Now look, I realize that I am not the biggest athlete, but these girls are freaking pathetic. Ben wants to see how these women “interact as a team” in case he feels like polygamy is his new jam. He has Kelley & Alex make them do drills and Lauren H. makes some punny comment about handling balls. Har. Har. The girls are split into teams, Stars and Stripes because AMERICA! It’s a rousing game that was about as exciting as watching paint dry and in the end Stripes win thanks to Amber who redeemed herself from last week’s horrible track stunt and I know what you are all thinking, and I’m not dignifying that thought with a response! Rachel and her charlie horse and the rest of the other team must go back to the mansion while the others get to continue with the date.

Later that night while Olivia is having some one-on-one time with Ben, the other girls start to turn on her. Talking about her smelly breath, and her weird toes. The cameras then pan to Olivia’s toes to reveal the following:

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Jami is not having any of this and proving how Canada she is, when Olivia returns Jami just has to tell her. She tries to be vague, but all Olivia wants to know is if its about her cankles. Well, is it?! We won’t find out because we are subjected to Amber realizing all she has learned from her time on The Bachelor, which is definitely not self-awareness. Because Ben got a look at those cankles, he lets Amber have the rose so that he can slowly watch her implode next week. But don’t worry, Olivia knows he’s still into her because he touched her thigh when getting up to leave. He used her as a wall to prop himself up. And she thinks it was an act of love. This is why women make $.77 to a man’s $1. COME ON GIRL!

In honor of MLK Day, The Bachelor does something it never has done before: give a person of color a one-on-one date. ABC, just doing their part. JuJuBee quips right away that Ben is 20 minutes late. I have found that the guy you’re trying to impress really loves when you insult him, so good job Juj, you’re doing great so far! As the helicopter arrives to whisk them away, she then asks if anybody wants to go on her date instead, insulting all of the girls who are so desperate for just an extra minute of his time. Honestly, do all of these girls have Asperger’s? Social awareness is not a strong suit for a good 50% of these girls.

Image result for jubilee bachelor eating caviar

They fly away in the helicopter and land at a deserted spa where they are famished. They try caviar when JuJuBee spits it out. Things we’ve learned about JuJuBee so far on this date: Girl loves a hot dog. Does not love fish eggs. She then calls Ben “White Boy” which he laughs and seems pretty at ease in an infinity pool with JuJuBee. They pan out to them overlooking the vast view of hills somewhere in California.

Dinner happens and I was unaware that I switched to Dr. Phil because JuJuBee has a lot going on. Tears and intimate details and yet, still not discussion of the chest tattoo (or let’s be honest, the thigh tattoo as well). Ben gives her the rose, she sits on his lap, he kisses her cheek. Still awkward but I am not toooooootally hating on it. (Just kidding, I am, but he’s got to be into somebody else besides Lauren B. right?)

The cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony begins with Ben letting us know that some friends of his passed away in a plane crash, which is really sad but will let us see how well these girls can comfort their new grieving boyfriend. Cue Olivia, who can really read a person, to up his spirits by talking about her leg insecurity. “Ben, I’m like super sad that your friends passed away, I can totally relate because all my life I’ve been super sad about my cankles.” Even Ben senses the cray and walks away. He runs into JuJuBee who has nicely set up a massage table to relax him. And this is actually a really nice gesture and I’m kind of liking Juj a bit more.

But you know who isn’t?! The other girls! How dare that betch try to comfort him when those girls haven’t gotten a rose!? Which, selfish much?? Amber or Jami (honestly, they really look alike and I kept getting them confused this entire episode.) goes to break it up and reluctantly Ben obliges. While he talks to other girls, the Mean Gurlz decide they want to have a lil convo with JuJuBee who is like oh hell no this is not happening. She holds down and you gotta love her for it. She walks upstairs away from Amber and Ben goes to comfort her which BACKFIRE, bitches! Amber is then like “Oh S**t, I better go clean up this mess or else I’ve sealed my fate. And like, shouldn’t she know that when you bully a girl, unless you’re Courtney from other Ben’s season, that you’re going home?? Mark my words, she will not be receiving a rose next week.

Our favorite basket of crazy, Leathah&Lace, comes out of nowhere and pulls Ben aside to SELF-ELIMINATE! Who saw that coming!? She’s been reflecting and realizes she needs to work on herself and this just isn’t the place and you know what? If you’re not going to bring the crazy, go home because now you’re just wasting time on my screen from other crazy that could be happening. Bye L&L!

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Rose ceremony begins and Olivia knows she’s got this one in the bag. Except, maybe she doesn’t? She’s the last one called and all I can hear is the stomping of those tree trunks. If a Bachelor contestant walks in the woods, does anybody hear her desperation!? We said goodbye to the Russian babushka, Shushanna, who shockingly DOES speak English! We also said goodbye to Jami, who I’m really afraid will become a cat lady after getting denied on this episode. What she doesn’t realize is that we have done all we can for Canadians with Kaitlyn (and Jillian but who remembers her?). There will be no repeat. With this elimination, JuJuBee and Amber live to fight another day, battling the race card with ABC on how long they can last.

Till next week…

(DISCLAIMER: Any badly-lit reference to Canada is only within the Bachelorsphere. I enjoy our neighbors to the North for all they have given us, including but not limited to maple syrup, universal healthcare and The Ryan’s–Gosling & Reynolds.)












Get it Toe-gether!

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