Ok. I’m a week late but life gets in the way and I’m like really cool and popular and super busy. Also, none of that is true and in reality it really just took me a long time to do a re-watch of this episode. And even not being on tons of meds, I still don’t know what I watched this past week. (Also, apologies in advance because I have no pictures to go with this post. Feel free to add yours to the comments!)
We start out with the ladies saying how perfect Ben is. JoJo says he checks off every list, which makes me question how many lists she has and why doesn’t she just combine those lists into one list. Seems like she is causing more trouble with multiple lists. The Twins (who knows which one, tbh) say he’s the greatest Bachelor in the history of the planet, which I have to agree with, only because I’m a cougar-in-training. They pan to a few of the girls on top of the balcony screaming that they are coming for Ben, which is actually really creepy when you think that Ben is staying just down the road in the Bachelor Mansion Guest House. Hopefully he saw which girls so that he can eliminate them soon. Stage 5 Clingers…
The ladies gather for the group date card announcement where Lace self-reflects of how she maybe sort of definitely had a little too much to drink last night and she is definitely not that crazy girl. Which makes me sad because I like her more as the crazy one. Normality is SOO boring. However, this is ABC, so you know this is just a pre-cursor to more crazy from Lace, who from now on, I have renamed Leathah&Lace because she seems like that kind of girl. (Although, Lace, if you want to join my girl gang called the Leathah LadieZ, we’re taking applications.)
There are like half of the girls that go on the group date to a local high school where Principal Harrison (looking good in those glasses and sweater vest, CH!) tells them they will be paired in teams of two to go back to school. This is because Ben needs a lady who has a GED. Only requirement for his future wife. Anyways, first round they must make Ben’s “volcano explode” and its like hello sexual innuendo but censored because its ABC! What a surprise that Leathah&Lace (who JuJuBee keeps calling Lacey) can’t seem to read beakers and they lose. L&L better be scared because JuJuBee tells America that she plans on making her disappear. Which any other girl I don’t think I’d be as frightened of, but this betch is a War veteran. You know she knows how to do that and hide the evidence…
Next round is Lunch, because that was obviously everybody’s favorite school subject. Which means bobbing for apples. Somebody loses, and I don’t even care who because they aren’t going that far in this game. Let’s pass a few rounds. It all comes down to Mandi vs Amber with a track competition. And all those who expected Amber to win, how dare you, racists. Mandi crosses that finish line and breaks through that paper banner into the arms of the Homecoming King, Ben. Amber is super bummed because she sucks at game shows and is slowly realizing it. Is it really that much of a loss that you didn’t get to circle the track with Ben in a Mustang and relive the glory days? Well, it’s Amber, and her life is circling the drain, so yes. It probably really is a loss to her.
Then they travel to a rooftop of somewhere in LA to continue the date. L&L plans on telling Ben that she is totes normal but GD it! Becca steals him away first. Let the games begin! They play an awkward round of basketball, subconsciously making the viewer remember why Becca is a virgin. He then talks to low-rent Olivia Munn (is her name Jennifer? Jessica? Janice? WHO IS THIS GIRL!?) and he gives her the first real kiss of this season, which is SOOO Ben to do that with a girl who is that unmemorable. (Is she a dark horse like the recently Instagram-hacked Catherine Guidici?)
L&L then talks to Ben and apologizes for her actions and then makes some really weird small talk with him, which leads me to believe that she needs alcohol as a social lubricant because girl is definitely on the spectrum and needs a quick diagnosis. JuJuBee comes around, getting revenge for the elimination earlier in the day and grabs Ben. She opens up to him about being adopted, etc. But still no mention of why on Earth she got that chest tattoo. That must be held for group date 5, when they are really making a connection. They share an awkward kiss to where I’m cringing and actually hoping that L&L can do something to spice things up.
Thank the Bachelor Gods because this crazy lady does. “F*** these Bitches” L&L says. And my evil laugh comes out because this is going to be geeeeewwwwwd. She steals him again, but only to be even more awkward. All I’m thinking is how great of TV she is going to make for the next season of Bachelor in Paradise. JoJo and Ben then get to talking on the rooftop (which very reminiscent of Ben & Kaitlyn on a rooftop–The Bachelor must be running out of locations) and JoJo has never been this happy in her life before. Which makes me wonder if she had a childhood or ever achieved any accolades, but I digress because why do we EVER try to make sense of The Bachelor contestants? She ends up getting the group date rose and JuJuBee & L&L are PISSED.
I’m curious to see why Ben is attracted to Caila, who receives the first one-on-one date. I find her annoying and her face is weirdly shaped. Ben decided to let Harrison plan this date, and can you just imagine him planning a date? Calling places to secure reservations. Renting a car. Scouting locations. I mean, it is cute that they pretend. Anyways, the promotion for Ride Along 2–which weirdly came out on Friday and they so didn’t plan on this being cross-promotion, right–begins now. Kevin Hart & Ice Cube (who has come a long way from Straight Outta Compton…) show up to Ride Along with Ben & Caila for the morning. They tell Ben he should buy some Hypnotiq/Hennessey (I can’t remember) and some condoms. Ben says they have different ideas of a first date. That Ben, he’s so classy! They end up at a hot tub store, where they strangely get in one (they brought bathing suits with them?!) and so does Kevin Hart, which was funny two seasons ago with Chris/Kaitlyn and Jimmy Kimmel. But this season, its weird and uncomfortable and why does Kevin Hart have to try so damn hard?
After that weird rendezvous, they say goodbye to their new besties and end up at a private concert with one of Ben’s FAVORITE artists, Amos Lee, which who in the eff is that? Did he recently release an album? Is he an old star trying to make a comeback? This is definitely no Train and he is NOT singing “Meet Virginia.” I rate this 1/5 stars and hope that the show has better guest acts later in the season. These crazy kids slow dance and kiss and I’m bored. What do you guys think L&L is doing right now!?
Well we won’t find out until the rose ceremony because it’s time for Group Date 2, where they are matched in compatibility. Which apparently means getting down to your skivvies and letting Ben smell you. We should have all known Samantha was a goner when she was told she smells sour. Look, there is no coming back from that Sam. Take your losses and leave with your head held high. But she won’t because this is The Bachelor and self-esteem is not necessary. What a surprise that Olivia is the best match for him and she has this smug little face like “No duh” (and you know she totally uses that in her every day life, because she’s Olivia) and she is so confident in their relationship. TBH, this date was really weird, and whoever came up with the idea should be fired. Nobody was into it, and I think I fast-forwarded most of it because it was gag-inducing.
We then arrive at the cocktail party for the group date and Ben steals Olivia away first to take her to his hotel room, which what? Why does he have a hotel room there? Is he going to sleep there? Does he need a place to get ready? What happened to the Guest House?! Whatever, they kiss, she’s like oh change my name to Olivia Higgins. Which perpetuates my theory of the level of creepiness that you exude is directly related to how attractive you are. The more attractive, the less creepy. And as someone who is a hardcore creep, let me tell you, I’ve put in A LOT of research for this scientific experiment.
Afterwards, Olivia then asks the girls where they plan on taking Ben for their one-on-one time and when they ask where she went she makes her millionth weird face for the night and then decides she doesn’t want to talk about it. Um, you can’t ask a question and not expect for someone to ask you a question back. That is called conversing and maybe you need to join L&L on the spectrum, you weirdo.
Ben tries to redeem himself with Sam and tells her she smells like passion fruit, which Sam is like “OMG Ben, you’re toooootes scoring more points with me.” But again, all I smell is sour desperation. So maybe my smell-o-vision TV needs to go to the shop. Amanda, in her best baby voice, then reveals to Ben that she has 2 little kids and because Ben is a future politician, he’s like “I love kids! I’m going to brainstorm a gift that you can tell them your man-friend gave you to give to them!” And they kiss, and Amanda tries to be the second-coming of Emily.
FINALLY, we arrive at the cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony. The room is filled with nerves, insecurities, and alcohol! Olivia, trying to craft her role as this season’s villian, steals Ben, “her man”, from Leah even though that bitch already has a rose. Come on Olivia, you know you don’t do that, it’s like the rules of feminism! (TM Gretchen Weiners) L&L tries to bring the crazy by chatting with Ben again to let him know that she isn’t crazy, because that is how you secure yourself as the crazy one. We all know that L&L just needs to find her bottle of champagne, because that is the only rose she really deserves (I also don’t know where the accent key is on my computer, so the joke works when you say it out loud. Just try it. Please.)
Ben has some alone time with Lauren B. who I all but forgot about because she didn’t have a date this week. He gifts her a photo of their first time together, which breaks the 4th wall and reminds us viewers that besides being video-ed, there is also somebody there to catch still shots of the Bach and his ladies. She’s not too impressed, really playing the hard to get card, and if he wanted her to leave, she’d be fine with that. Which Ben is like wait, what? Nah bro, you need to stay. And Lauren B. has mastered the game of reverse psychology.
He pulls Amanda aside and they make barrettes for her daughters. Which is weird and creepy and they are literally bobby pins with plastic flowers. Her daughters are not going to be impressed. They live in Laguna Beach. And if we have learned anything from LC, Stephen, and Kristen, we know that Laguna Beach does not enjoy knock offs. But Amanda cries and is like oh this is so adorable. Then she secretly makes matching ones for herself so that her and her kids can be triplets. (I may or may not have made that part up.)
This is like the longest 2 hours of my life (and really 4 because I was on too many meds the first time around) and thank god the rose ceremony happens. He starts to give out the roses and we cut to L&L interviewing that she knows Ben doesn’t like her and she became the girl she isn’t and blah blah, have some more to drink because you’re keeping me entertained, girl. Then LB looks around and is like why TF am I here? I’m normal and cute and pretty skinz, I should be able to get a man the normal way. Also, I’m rocking tuxedo pants and a crop top and I’m looking fab. I’m out of here. And she leaves. Which means Amber totally got that rose to stay due to there being an extra one. You can just hear her inner monologue wondering why she isn’t good enough but maybe she is, and maybe she has another week to prove herself and why can’t she just win the effing show!?!?
This week we lost: Dentist Mandi, which I’ll really miss that weirdo. Nobody else does face melting quite like she does. I also can’t believe that Ben eliminated her after she beat Amber in a foot race! We also lost Sour Sam, who luckily has a law career to go back to. And maybe she’ll now invest in some deodorant (great candidate for BiP as well). And Jackie, which I have no idea who she is, so auf wiedersehen, you shall not be missed.