Season 20 starts out with our beautiful Ben showing us around his hometown of Podunk, Indiana where he is the Grand Marshall for the town parade and if you listen juuuuuustclosely enough you can hear “Presenting The Bachelor….from…The Bachelor!”
And apparently, he forgot to tell us that he was some hot shot athlete during the Glory Days and looked like the actors from Varsity Blues. (“I don’t want. Your life.”–but that is for another time)
We then switch to Ben talking to himself/us in the car. Telling us how he got his heart broken and is he possible, dare I say it? UNLOVEABLE?! I think we would be able to tell if he would just take off his shirt, but there is plenty of season for that and it BETTER HAPPEN!
Cue Chris MF Harrison (seriously, check out that twitter handle, you’re welcome in advance) in front of the infamous Bachelor Mansion. Reminding us all about Ben from Kaitlyn’s season. Deemed unloveable, is his match here?! This season?! Could it be….? Well, let’s find out.
Let’s do some limo highlights. Because if there is ever a way to make a first impression, most of these girls know exactly what not to do.
Lauren B–great bod, decent face and a flight attendant (read future: not home enough to yell at Ben for putting his feet up on the coffee table)
Mandi–this girl shows up with a big ole’ Red rose on her head and I just can’t. And yet, this isn’t even her weirdest moment of the night.
Samantha–she found out she passed the bar! so now she can have “lawyer” as her occupation under her name and age when shown on TV. YAY!
Amanda–super cute but a mom of 2. Can anybody say BAGGAGE?! Also, super annoying voice, hopefully her face can make up for that.
Jubilee–she will from now on be referred to as JuJuBee because who is this gal with the chest tattoo and her Wet Seal dress and oh? She’s a war hero? Do I have to be nice to her now?
Lace–well her teeth look like they are hugging each other but she does manage to give him the first kiss of the season, therefore letting the other 27 women end up as her sloppy seconds.
Shushanna–does anybody actually know if she speaks English? Or are we subjected to closed captioning for the 1, maybe 2 episodes she ends up sticking around for?
Leah–she got out of the limo and I thought, “Wow, she is stunning.” Then she brings out a football and bends over to hike it and things got weird and I had second-hand embarrassment.
JoJo–definitely my spirit animal (is that possible if she is human) as she strolled out of the limo with a unicorn head. I thought to myself, I would totally do something like that. I then realized ideas like this are why I am still single.
The Twins–I refuse to give them separate names until they turn on each other. Sister wives has been taken to a new level. And don’t ask me why I know this, BUT they definitely tried out to be Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders and didn’t make it past round 1. (I may or may not watch that other reality show on CMT…)
Manly Meagan–she shows up with a mini-horse. How do you beat Twins she asks? With a mini-horse! Which, no. No you don’t. And you’ll find that out at the end of the episode when you and Huey take that loooooong walk down the wet driveway.
Breanne–she is the epitome of “how do you know if somebody is gluten-free? don’t worry, they’ll tell you”. but she wants to break bread with him. Like legit smash french rolls on the curb. It’s like, are you really surprised when you don’t make a connection with The Bach??
Tiara–the chicken enthusiast who has never left her chicks for this long of a period of time, but also may be a bit normal? Ben thinks she is beautiful, but spoiler alert, NOT beautiful enough to make it past night 1.
Rachel–rides a hover board in, wonders why she is unemployed
–At this point, Lace is starting to hit the bottle. Silently, or not so silently, judging the girls–
After all the limo intros, Chris drops a HILARIOUS joke: “Stop me if you’ve heard this one before–A horse, a bachelorette an a unicorn walk into a mansion…” Do you guys think he improved that? If so, bravo Harrison, BRAVO!
Ben then calls his parents at what must be 3am to let them know there are many many girls who are absolutely stunning. Because Ben is still a man, and looks do matter (which means Red Velvet is for sure gone by the end of this episode.).
Ben enters the house to give the spiel of how lucky he is to be in a room and blah, blah, here comes Rose Head Mandi to steal him away. Let those games begin!
And by games, I mean a teeth cleaning and belittling about his flossing skills, or lack thereof. I’m getting vibes of “Free Spirit” Lucy from season’s past.
While this happens, a big ole surprise is taking place out front. It’s Becca and…who!? Ok so nobody remembers Amber, but daaaaang she cleans up nice. Good to know that whatever you catch in BiP, it can be gotten rid of with a bit of penicillin and a little eyeliner.
Lace is now looking for another wine glass. Ready to start double fisting, because no good story ever started with “so I was eating a salad…” She silently creeps watching Ben talk to Becca and Amber, slowly stalking her prey.
Finally, she interrupts JuJuBee, and then drunkenly asks for another kiss. And gets denied. Come on Lace, he isn’t here for just smooches. He now remembers he needs to know these girls for their minds.
BUT according to Lace, she tells Red Velvet that they were literally about to kiss. Literally! You DON’T make Lace look like a fool. Nobody puts Baby in the corner. NOBODY!
Ben grabs her to apologize and she says she is not happy. But they have a connection, so she lets it slide. Probably because her wine glass is empty.
Harrison drops off the First Impression Rose. Lace already knows she is getting that beezy because Ben is her man. But, shocker, it ain’t her! He gives it to Olivia because she is the most sparkly and has the straightest hair. Also, because they had a great convo.
He convenes with the girls and has some small chat. Then Harrison freaking shows up again. It really is never good news when he shows up. He’s like the Grim Reaper, but in a super expensive suit. Lace is pissed. Ben didn’t even look at her ONCE in the eye. How dare he! There are 27 other girls but clearly she is the one!
Rose ceremony: Amber says she feels something with Ben. I’ll tell you what she feels–desperation. Maybe she’s feeling that biological clock ticking on those ovaries because if this doesn’t work out, the next season of Bachelor in Paradise isn’t till summer. And if THAT doesn’t work, another season of The Bachelor is 6+ months after.
He gives the last rose to Lace, which thank god. It isn’t time to get rid of her yet. After the ceremony she is like love ME, give ME attention. And all I’m thinking is, this must work and I should probably add this to my arsenal of how to get the guy.
We said our goodbyes to: Tiara, the chicken enthusiast, Izzy who ain’t the onesie, Lauren with the lips (which good, too many Lauren’s!), Jessica (huh?! I thought for sure he would have kept her), Breanne the gluten-free bread breaker, and Manly Meagan and her mini-horse.
This season looks like a doozy. A black eye, a manipulator, kisses, hugs, drama, a hurricane that almost blows Ben away. I. CAN’T. WAIT!