Caila, Just Get Back in the Car

So yes, I have slacked. And yes, I’m just a super horrible person (those two aren’t direct correlations of each other, just observations I’m making). BUT I AM BACK! And I’m skipping ahead to last night’s episode and at some point before the season is done, I may just update the previous two episodes because let’s be honest, Olivia’s elimination was far too good to not be acknowledged. But that is for another time, so let’s get started on last night.

Ben and the ladies travel to Jamaica to which Ben once again tells us what a great place it is to fall in love. Like Vegas. And Mexico City. You know, he’s not wrong, apparently you can fall in love anywhere because it’s a feeling and not a location. And I’ve ordered Domino’s all over the nation and when that delivery man arrives, I know the exact feeling that Ben is talking about. The Bachelor producers found the most romantic hotel and put these people up in Sandals, an all-inclusive family resort.

His first date is with Caila and they meet up at a river to participate in the Tom Sawyer ride at Disneyland or the Jungle Cruise or something. And after some uncomfortable silences for both them and the audience, Ben finally speaks up with “Pretty relaxing” and at least we don’t have to wait two hours to know who is going home this week. They stop for jerk chicken where Ben wants Caila to be open and if you’re in the final 3, you need to be pretty open by  now (and not just in the fantasy suite). Caila is like “oh yeah totally, oh my gosh you’re like SO right” and yet, doesn’t actually give us any insight into how she is feeling. When they meet back up for dinner, Caila lets us know that she is going to be more vulnerable and tell him how she feels. I forget what she says, but its the usual Bachelor fodder that ends with “I love you” and Ben cares for her. Awkward only because we know he tells two girls he loves them. After, they head into the ocean to watch a fireworks show and can anybody explain to me what kind of bathing suit Caila was wearing? First it looked like underwear, then it was a Brazilian cut and I’ve spent far too much time trying to analyze what happened there. They head back to the Fantasy Suite and the doors close, and what Caila couldn’t say in words, I’m sure she made up for with her “Sex Panther” moves. They wake up the next morning and Ben says “Do you always wake up this cute?” And its like, hell no she does not. She woke up an hour earlier than you, plugged in that curling iron, threw on some morning foundation and gargled mouthwash.

He says goodbye to Caila and proceeds to Date #2 with Lauren B. And I wonder if Ben got to decide who got what date, because their date is way better than his with Caila’s. They take a boat to a small beach where they help release baby turtles into the wild. After a bath, they empty these little cuties onto the sand where they once again get dirty and head into the water to continue their Finding Nemo adventure. After, Lauren and Ben sit on the beach where Ben tells Lauren she is too good for him. And am I missing something? Like yes, she is conventionally cute, great bod and seems like a nice girl but pretty sure she isn’t in MENSA and she’s a flight attendant. I’m not knocking her career or who she is as a person, but she is on The Bachelor to find love, so don’t put her up on that pedestal, Ben. They get to go to a reggae concert (again way better than Caila date) and then have dinner. Also, let’s take a moment to talk about Lauren B.’s abs. How? What work out is she doing? Is this what she gets from bending over to hand people drinks and peanuts on the plane!? Girl is ripped. After accepting the Fantasy Suite card, Lauren B tells Ben that she loves him and SHOCKER, he says its back. And duh because I’ve been saying she is the one since Episode One. They are in LOVE! She sleeps over because how can she not, and I’m sure she takes Caila’s sloppy seconds and they do it.

Lauren B wakes up the next day confirming that Ben is her person, and how could she not think that, after he told her he is in love with her. Betch thinks she has this in the bag, talking about their future and more mornings of waking up together. Slow your roll (even though you’ll probably win).  Confused, Ben leaves Lauren to go on his final date with JoJo. He has to put his feelings away for Lauren B and focus on his relationship with Jojo. In their second helicopter rendezvous, Sandals heli takes them around the island and drops them off at some waterfalls where JoJos boobs are on full display. Honestly, I knew she had fake boobs, but this episode really “enhanced” the fact that she puts them on display (ba dum-dum). Also, isn’t Jamaica a third world country? Where is all of this beautiful scenery coming from? It almost makes me want to travel there. Almost. Anyways, they sit on a wet rock where JoJo tells Ben that she loves him. And again, Ben shocks the nation AND JoJo by telling her he loves her too. She even says “Are you allowed to say that?” And its like, well yeah, he just did. Anyways, they go to dinner and since the ILY is already on the table, it goes smoothly and they also go to the Fantasy Suite, where for the third day in a row, Ben and his tattoo get laid. They share breakfast the next day and there is still 30 minutes left in the episode so its like, what is going to happen next?

Ben tells us he is in love with two women and he will have to let Caila go while Caila is simultaneously putting on a hideous halter crop top and black skirt to go surprise Ben and spend some more time with him. And I’m already cringing. She arrives at his Sandals suite–which why did she have to take a car to it? Are they that far apart? Are the girls staying in an AirBnB and not given the same digs as Ben?–and can’t find him in the house. She runs around with a creepy smile playing a game of Hide n Seek, where she is trying to find her dignity. Instead, she finally finds Ben outside and covers his eyes to surprise him. The color drains from his face when he sees that its her. They have a seat where he gently breaks it down that he is in love with two people and its not her. He also says that he is really going to miss her. She tells him that is a line. Not knowing what else to say he walks her to the car and they stand there as she awkwardly sobs into his chest and its like SAVE SOME FACE, GIRL. Get in the car! When she does, she decides she needs a bit more closer and hops out. It’s like, the Women Tell All is where you’re supposed to have this convo, not at Sandals Jamaica, the most romantic place in the world! She asks when he knew he didn’t love her and wants the answers she isn’t going to get. Ben, the future POTUS, gives her a vague answer that she seems to finally accept, all while I’m legit curled up into the fetus position, rocking back and forth, waiting for her to go. When she does get in the car, she breaks down, and surprisingly is not a hideous crier.

Usually the Bachelor producers pick third place as the new Bachelorette, but we can all agree that she is a horrible choice right? My vote is that he proposes to Lauren B and that JoJo is the new Bachelorette. Only because I want her mom to get more screen time. That lady is a gem and I need to know more about her.

Caila, Just Get Back in the Car

Viva La Mexico!

This week, the Bachelor producers decide to take us to the second most romantic city in the world, Mexico City. Ben also lets us know that Mexico City is the “political and cultural capital of Mexico” which makes me think that Ben doesn’t understand what a capital is in general. Only one capital in Mexico, Ben… Ay Dios Mio, amirite?

Ben fels like his relationships are all progressing, which is what happens as each day becomes the next but I digress because we need to know all of this. Olivia is still riding the train to Crazy Town with regards to how strong her relationship is AND she found a bidet in the hotel. Things are starting off well for this episode.

The first one-on-one date is with Amanda. Ben goes to wake her up, as well as the other girls, at 4:00am to really get this party started. Lauren H. basically seals her fate when he sees her retainer, to which Ben nicely says he has one too, but we all know she’s not for long now… Girl just wants to keep them teeth straight!

Amanda wakes up in pure perfection as she must take a tip from Britt of Chris’ season by putting on her makeup BEFORE she goes to sleep. They are up early because they are taking a hot air balloon ride, which, again, we have seen before. Everything is “amazing” to them but uber boring to me. DVR is so handy. To the night date, Amanda tells Ben and us that she was married to her babies daddy but he was always texting other beezies and it didn’t work out. Let’s remember that Amanda is 25, and I’m going to assume this guy was around the same age and if she has a 5 year old, are we shocked that a 20 year old doesn’t want to keep it in his pants? (Too cynical? Nah…) Well, Ben IS shocked that anybody could let somebody like Amanda go and blah blah she gets the rose.

Group date is the next day with Lauren B, Olivia, Emily, JoJo, Becca, JuJuBee, Leah and Caila (ED NOTE: Jennifer was there too but she bores me and is unmemorable so I’m not changing my previous sentence). They go learn Spanish with fun phrases like “Te Amo” and “Donde esta el bano?” and other loving sentences. And JuJuBee’s downfall begins. He is saying the same thing to the other girls and she just doesn’t feel like its true when he says it to her, which NO DUH, he’s repeating a fun phrase the producers put him up to. I think there really needs to be a Bachelor 101 class before any of these girls arrive on Night 1. It would really clear up what happens on this show.

After, they go to a cooking class where there is (SURPRISE!) a competition. Teams of two happen, and oh my, would you look at that, somebody is going to have to pair up with Ben. And if anybody thought it would be someone besides Olivia, well that’s just silly. They basically have their own one-on-one date eating crickets and trying to cure her of her dragonbreath with mint. JuJu and Lauren B end up winning even though neither of them smile through it while in justice, Olivia’s is compared to dog food.

At the cocktail party, Olivia grabs him first and as the montage of time with other women is shown, so is JuJu slowly coming undone. When he finally asks to steal her away and tries to grab her hand, she reacts so fastly with moving away that you’d think Ben had leprecy, which would be REALLY difficult for The Bachelor to have on this show… Ben is annoyed and remember how he thought all those relationships were progressing, well now there is nothing with Juj and he lets her know how unfair it would be to keep her here knowing that there is nothing. And with that, he eliminates the last person of color on the show. Hopefully someone was on watch to make sure she didn’t throw herself off a Mexican cliff or partake in a Donkey Show or eat the worm from the tequila bottle and oh does it really matter? Once these ladies depart my TV screen, I’ve already forgotten everything about them.

JoJo takes this opportunity to console him and tell him what a great guy is. And you think between her and Lauren B, one of them has to get the date rose right? But UGH to everybody’s dismay, that flat-faced troll Olivia receives it, furthering her dreams of winning this game.

The next day, Lauren H and Ben go out on their one-on-one. Ben needs to know if there can be more than a friendship with her AKA if he can look past her Jurassic Park Laura Dern likeness and maybe find her attractive? (Remember guys, he still has that retainer image in his head) Did you all know that Mexico has a fashion week? I sure as hell did not. Well Lauren H and Ben get to walk in a show and model their best poncho and sombrero while a live band performs “Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay…” which Lauren tells us has been the best day of her life. And it makes me sad for these girls that they have had no excitement prior to being a contestant. Competing for love. On TV. They go to dinner afterwards and another girl has another story of being cheated on, and I’m so bored that I watch in double-time and notice he gives her a rose. Great!

We finally make it to the rose ceremony cocktail party where Olivia, in between sniffing her already received rose, calls Amanda “Teen Mom”, which isn’t sooooo far from the truth but I guess also super offensive because those girls are white trash? I only know about that Back Door Teen Mom, so if I have to go off of that, then I agree, SOO offensive. Olivia then kind of apologizes by saying “I’m trying” and I’m not sure if she means she’s trying to apologize or trying to be friends with these girls or just trying to lose weight in her cankles. Whatever it is, it’s keeping me entertained, so keep going Dragonbreath! Emily tells Ben that Olivia is disrespectful, and she probably cries because I think that is all she knows how to do. Amanda tells Ben she feels she is being targeted. Ben doesn’t like what is going on and pulls Olivia to the side to speak with her. Could this be the first time in Bachelor history that someone gets their rose taken away and eliminated!? Is that in the rules? Is he allowed to do that!? Well, we won’t know until next week. CLIFFHANGER!

Viva La Mexico!

The Untalent Show

Yes, I am 3 weeks behind on this recap. Yes, like a good Vegas trip, I’m having a hard time recalling this episode. Yes, I’m going to do my best to remember what happened. Although, TL;DR–Drama, girl-on-girl hate crimes, eliminations, roses, cankles…

This week, Chris tells the ladies that they are headed to the Marriage Capital of the World, which is like Paris? Venice? NO! He meant the Marriage Capital of the World Decided by Bad Decisions and Alcohol: LAS VEGAS!

First one-on-one of the episode goes to JoJo where she and Ben meet on a rooftop and sip champagne while waiting for a helicopter to pick them up. The helicopter arrives and in a scene from the movie, knocks over their table that they use as a shield to make out. The other girls can see this happening and are so disgusted and leave the window with their ego deflated. The girls watching JoJo on her date is the equivalent of asking the guy you’re kiiiiiind of seeing to go through his phone. You KNOW you’re going to find something bad in there, so why even tempt yourself. (Moral of that story: Just don’t date. Then you only have to go through your phone and tempt yourself with reading the drunk texts you sent the night before.)

The helicopter must have been SO fun because we don’t even see any of it and go right into dinner. A match made in boring heaven. They talk about JoJo’s past where she may or may not have revealed that an ex-boyfriend cheated on her. In her paraphrased words, “I was not the only one involved.” So maybe he didn’t cheat, and there was a sister wife thing going on that she finally decided to end. Who knows. That JoJo, quite the mystery. Must have been good enough for Ben, as he gives her a rose and then they head to ANOTHER rooftop to watch a fireworks show over Vegas. The other girls are again jealous as they watch from their jail cell of a hotel room and Olivia says that she feels like she is being cheated on. Which, she technically is, although who knows if her and Ben ever made it Facebook Official: “It’s Complicated”.

The next day, the group date goes to the Terry Fator show, which is apparently a ventriloquist show. And if my life ever gets so horrible that I text you I’m in Vegas and am sober, watching a ventriloquist, just kill me. Because I’ve hit rock bottom. But, I digress. The girls will be opening for Terry showing off their “talents”. Obviously in quotes, because let’s go over what some of these girls did.

The Twins: Riverdance

JuJuBee: plays the cello

Leah: rides a pogostick while dressed as a clown

Lauren H: dresses in a chicken suit and reads a poem

Amanda: hula hoops

Caila: hula dances

Rachel: makes balloon animals

Jennifer: hits tennis balls

And then, there is Olivia. Olivia. Olivia. Olivia. Her talent is being able to embarrass herself to the nth degree. She pops out of a cake and does a horrible kickline (which must be hard trying to lift those cankles up in the air) all the while the audience is questioning why they decided to come to a free show of Terry Fator’s (because lets be honest, none of them could have paid to go to that show. They HAD to get free tickets.) Basically, everybody is embarrassed for Olivia. Backstage, Olivia has a “panic attack” a la Kelsey from last season and at this point, does anybody even care?

Meanwhile, Caila and Ben have some one-on-one time where he calls her a “sex panther” which 60% of the time, it works every time. Then Lauren H. and “lil Ben” get some time. And sadly, I actually wish that was a euphemism for sex and not for a puppet that Ben holds on his lap. Olivia, in all her horror, interrupts to apologize for today and Ben doesn’t even know what she is talking about–a nice guy good at pretending–when one of the Twins comes around. According to Olivia, that is “funkadelic”. Groovy, baby.

Finally, the night portion of the cocktail party. Ben and Lauren B talk, where he reassures her that she’s basically the winner and he can’t wait to spend his life with her. Then he talks to the other Twin and Olivia gets revenge by interrupting them. Ben, she needs you to know that today “was not me”. Whereas Ben legit doesn’t even know what she’s talking about. He’s seen those cankles, he didn’t expect a perfect high kick. To shut her up, he leans in for a kiss which seems to make everything better, and Olivia has gone back to planning their ABC-featured wedding.

Olivia thinks receiving the group date rose would be “wowee” but in a shocking twist, Ben ends up giving the rose to Lauren B. And Olivia crashes and burns once again.

Becca gets a package delivered the next day for her one-on-one with Ben. And its a wedding dress! Everybody is shocked and confused. What could this mean? Is the show over? Has he made his decision?! As one of the Twins says, “I would love to get married to Ben on our first date.” I think she signed up for the wrong show. ‘Married at First Sight’ is a TLC show, and the success of those marriages are probably equivalent to those of The Bachelor.

JuJuBee has the line of the episode with “If she waited 26 years, I doubt it’s going to happen in the next 6 hours.” Girl can throw some shade.

Becca gets picked up in a pink convertible by Elvis, because this show is nothing if not one large cliche. They arrive at a wedding chapel, where Ben gets down on one knee and asks Becca, “Will you marry other people with me today?” This looks like a whole lot of awkward as I’m wondering if the people being married even know each other or if this is real or if that Asian couple have ever kissed? Luckily for me, I’m not on this show, because Becca finds it so romantic, and is glad that Ben chose her to do this with.

That night, they head to the Neon Museum, which actually looks like a fun place to see signs die, but I somehow doubt they actually did a tour of it. Anyways, Ben wants to know if Becca can feel and if this is somehow real. Where Becca lets him know this time she is all in. Ben apparently wrote some vows to Becca and its a little weird for a first date, but this is The Bachelor, so then, its not weird at all. She says some things back and who really remembers but its enough to get the date rose and stick around for a few more episodes.

Chris Harrison shows up to the hotel suite to say that Ben has made a special request, to basically throw the Twins into a two-on-one. Since the Twins are from Las Vegas, he takes them home to meet their mom and see their cute tween-themed rooms. Was anybody else disappointed to learn that they had their own rooms? I was really hoping for bunk beds. Haley takes Ben to her room first, asking him to view them as different people, and in my head, I imagine Ben taking a marker and secretly marking her arm in order to tell them apart, a la Michael Scott in The Office. Emily takes Ben into her room and they cuddle a bit and she throws Haley under the bus by telling him that Haley has said Emily has the stronger connection with him. Sisters before Misters no longer. Ben sits them down on the couch with their mother, where he then eliminates Haley and leaves, letting their mom console her. Did girl even get to pack her luggage? Did Emily just get an entire new wardrobe? Sounds like Haley really got screwed here…

Cocktail party finally happens and Leah announces “Here comes our boyfriend” which is adorable and uncomfortable all at the same time, but definitely a win for the Mormon religion, right? Jennifer steals him first and they chat about god knows what because she is so unmemorable to me, but a nice face to look at. Olivia then shows up to steal him away and show him her real talent: eating cake. Those tree stumps can’t grow themselves, you know. JuJuBee and Ben have a nice convo where he tells her he finds her awkwardness endearing.

At the rose ceremony, we are reminded that Amber is on this show again, where she worries she may not get a rose. And as if she is Miss Cleo, she does NOT receive a rose, along with Rachel. But Amber is not walking away in those heels. She’s really going to sell this exit. She yanks those puppies off and then collapses on a lounge chair out of Ben’s eyesight where she makes a case for why she should be on the next season of BiP.

Did anybody else try Caila’s game of trying to get the cookie in your mouth? No? Just me? Well, I’ll be practicing until I’m confident I can beat her…

 

The Untalent Show

Get it Toe-gether!

Week 3 of our favorite show begins with Amanda and Lauren B talking about how Olivia is deep down, a mean girl. They can’t find anything to connect with her about. And they are setting this up for an unforgetoeble episode.

Date card comes and the music to announce is so freaking dramatic reminscing on who did not receive a date card from last week, and JuJuBee starting to freak out. The card is opened and Lauren B. gets that one-on-one with Ben. They drive off with the top down (the car, not Lauren B.–she’s classy) on PCH where they end up at a small airport. Lauren B., the flight attendant, is TERRIFIED, which it’s like LIAR! You do this for a living and all of a sudden you’re terrified? Is that because there is nobody asking you for peanuts or a refill on their tomato juice? Or are you just a lying liar who lies to play the Damsel in Distress act? Either way, eye roll. They take flight and in a super troll-like move that was all Lauren B.’s idea, they fly over the mansion much to the other girls chagrin. Let me tell you, that move was freaking genius. As Katy Perry would say, watch out for the Regina George in sheep’s clothing.

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The plane lands in some meadow where there is conveniently a hot tub. Which makes me question production. Whose idea was this? How did they get said hot tub out there? Is it still there? How did they heat it? What did they plug it into? Do meadows come with built in electricity!? As one does in a hot tub, they make out which is all a lot because they haven’t had any real time to get to know each other, but hey, who am I to judge. Make out, kids!

At dinner, they talk about Lauren B.’s family. Her dad is simple and she wants to marry someone just like him. Simple like Simple Jack? Ben then shares that his dad had heart surgery, but since we saw his dad in Episode 1, we know he is doing much better. So phew. Crisis averted. They have another private concert with some random band that I did not catch the name of and all I’m thinking is WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?! Does ABC now have a record label and are pushing their “big” signings!?

He gives her a rose and am I the only one who thinks that this girl has it in the bag? Watching this entire date, it’s like let’s fast-forward and just give her the final rose!

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Back at the mansion, Caila is crying because she thought that when she left her boyfriend after seeing Ben on TV, and then came on a TV show called THE BACHELOR, that Ben would be going on dates with other women. It’s just like reaaaaaaally hard for her to watch. Do these girls not understand the premise of this show? It’s legit the easiest thing to understand: You AND 25+ OTHER GIRLS will compete for ONE man’s love. That’s it.

The Bachelor recycles from Juan Pablo’s season and has a group date at The Coliseum. Alex Morgan and Kelley O’Hara from USWNT come in to help whip these girls into shape. It makes me wonder who thought this was a good idea? I’m really hoping that both are just huge Bach fans and thought it would be the easiest way to be on the show but like not have to compete for love.

Now look, I realize that I am not the biggest athlete, but these girls are freaking pathetic. Ben wants to see how these women “interact as a team” in case he feels like polygamy is his new jam. He has Kelley & Alex make them do drills and Lauren H. makes some punny comment about handling balls. Har. Har. The girls are split into teams, Stars and Stripes because AMERICA! It’s a rousing game that was about as exciting as watching paint dry and in the end Stripes win thanks to Amber who redeemed herself from last week’s horrible track stunt and I know what you are all thinking, and I’m not dignifying that thought with a response! Rachel and her charlie horse and the rest of the other team must go back to the mansion while the others get to continue with the date.

Later that night while Olivia is having some one-on-one time with Ben, the other girls start to turn on her. Talking about her smelly breath, and her weird toes. The cameras then pan to Olivia’s toes to reveal the following:

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Jami is not having any of this and proving how Canada she is, when Olivia returns Jami just has to tell her. She tries to be vague, but all Olivia wants to know is if its about her cankles. Well, is it?! We won’t find out because we are subjected to Amber realizing all she has learned from her time on The Bachelor, which is definitely not self-awareness. Because Ben got a look at those cankles, he lets Amber have the rose so that he can slowly watch her implode next week. But don’t worry, Olivia knows he’s still into her because he touched her thigh when getting up to leave. He used her as a wall to prop himself up. And she thinks it was an act of love. This is why women make $.77 to a man’s $1. COME ON GIRL!

In honor of MLK Day, The Bachelor does something it never has done before: give a person of color a one-on-one date. ABC, just doing their part. JuJuBee quips right away that Ben is 20 minutes late. I have found that the guy you’re trying to impress really loves when you insult him, so good job Juj, you’re doing great so far! As the helicopter arrives to whisk them away, she then asks if anybody wants to go on her date instead, insulting all of the girls who are so desperate for just an extra minute of his time. Honestly, do all of these girls have Asperger’s? Social awareness is not a strong suit for a good 50% of these girls.

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They fly away in the helicopter and land at a deserted spa where they are famished. They try caviar when JuJuBee spits it out. Things we’ve learned about JuJuBee so far on this date: Girl loves a hot dog. Does not love fish eggs. She then calls Ben “White Boy” which he laughs and seems pretty at ease in an infinity pool with JuJuBee. They pan out to them overlooking the vast view of hills somewhere in California.

Dinner happens and I was unaware that I switched to Dr. Phil because JuJuBee has a lot going on. Tears and intimate details and yet, still not discussion of the chest tattoo (or let’s be honest, the thigh tattoo as well). Ben gives her the rose, she sits on his lap, he kisses her cheek. Still awkward but I am not toooooootally hating on it. (Just kidding, I am, but he’s got to be into somebody else besides Lauren B. right?)

The cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony begins with Ben letting us know that some friends of his passed away in a plane crash, which is really sad but will let us see how well these girls can comfort their new grieving boyfriend. Cue Olivia, who can really read a person, to up his spirits by talking about her leg insecurity. “Ben, I’m like super sad that your friends passed away, I can totally relate because all my life I’ve been super sad about my cankles.” Even Ben senses the cray and walks away. He runs into JuJuBee who has nicely set up a massage table to relax him. And this is actually a really nice gesture and I’m kind of liking Juj a bit more.

But you know who isn’t?! The other girls! How dare that betch try to comfort him when those girls haven’t gotten a rose!? Which, selfish much?? Amber or Jami (honestly, they really look alike and I kept getting them confused this entire episode.) goes to break it up and reluctantly Ben obliges. While he talks to other girls, the Mean Gurlz decide they want to have a lil convo with JuJuBee who is like oh hell no this is not happening. She holds down and you gotta love her for it. She walks upstairs away from Amber and Ben goes to comfort her which BACKFIRE, bitches! Amber is then like “Oh S**t, I better go clean up this mess or else I’ve sealed my fate. And like, shouldn’t she know that when you bully a girl, unless you’re Courtney from other Ben’s season, that you’re going home?? Mark my words, she will not be receiving a rose next week.

Our favorite basket of crazy, Leathah&Lace, comes out of nowhere and pulls Ben aside to SELF-ELIMINATE! Who saw that coming!? She’s been reflecting and realizes she needs to work on herself and this just isn’t the place and you know what? If you’re not going to bring the crazy, go home because now you’re just wasting time on my screen from other crazy that could be happening. Bye L&L!

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Rose ceremony begins and Olivia knows she’s got this one in the bag. Except, maybe she doesn’t? She’s the last one called and all I can hear is the stomping of those tree trunks. If a Bachelor contestant walks in the woods, does anybody hear her desperation!? We said goodbye to the Russian babushka, Shushanna, who shockingly DOES speak English! We also said goodbye to Jami, who I’m really afraid will become a cat lady after getting denied on this episode. What she doesn’t realize is that we have done all we can for Canadians with Kaitlyn (and Jillian but who remembers her?). There will be no repeat. With this elimination, JuJuBee and Amber live to fight another day, battling the race card with ABC on how long they can last.

Till next week…

(DISCLAIMER: Any badly-lit reference to Canada is only within the Bachelorsphere. I enjoy our neighbors to the North for all they have given us, including but not limited to maple syrup, universal healthcare and The Ryan’s–Gosling & Reynolds.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Get it Toe-gether!

Take a Ride Along (2!)

Ok. I’m a week late but life gets in the way and I’m like really cool and popular and super busy. Also, none of that is true and in reality it really just took me a long time to do a re-watch of this episode. And even not being on tons of meds, I still don’t know what I watched this past week. (Also, apologies in advance because I have no pictures to go with this post. Feel free to add yours to the comments!)

We start out with the ladies saying how perfect Ben is. JoJo says he checks off every list, which makes me question how many lists she has and why doesn’t she just combine those lists into one list. Seems like she is causing more trouble with multiple lists. The Twins (who knows which one, tbh) say he’s the greatest Bachelor in the history of the planet, which I have to agree with, only because I’m a cougar-in-training. They pan to a few of the girls on top of the balcony screaming that they are coming for Ben, which is actually really creepy when you think that Ben is staying just down the road in the Bachelor Mansion Guest House. Hopefully he saw which girls so that he can eliminate them soon. Stage 5 Clingers…

The ladies gather for the group date card announcement where Lace self-reflects of how she maybe sort of definitely had a little too much to drink last night and she is definitely not that crazy girl. Which makes me sad because I like her more as the crazy one. Normality is SOO boring. However, this is ABC, so you know this is just a pre-cursor to more crazy from Lace, who from now on, I have renamed Leathah&Lace because she seems like that kind of girl. (Although, Lace, if you want to join my girl gang called the Leathah LadieZ, we’re taking applications.)

There are like half of the girls that go on the group date to a local high school where Principal Harrison (looking good in those glasses and sweater vest, CH!) tells them they will be paired in teams of two to go back to school. This is because Ben needs a lady who has a GED. Only requirement for his future wife. Anyways, first round they must make Ben’s “volcano explode” and its like hello sexual innuendo but censored because its ABC! What a surprise that Leathah&Lace (who JuJuBee keeps calling Lacey) can’t seem to read beakers and they lose. L&L better be scared because JuJuBee tells America that she plans on making her disappear. Which any other girl I don’t think I’d be as frightened of, but this betch is a War veteran. You know she knows how to do that and hide the evidence…

Next round is Lunch, because that was obviously everybody’s favorite school subject. Which means bobbing for apples. Somebody loses, and I don’t even care who because they aren’t going that far in this game. Let’s pass a few rounds. It all comes down to Mandi vs Amber with a track competition. And all those who expected Amber to win, how dare you, racists. Mandi crosses that finish line and breaks through that paper banner into the arms of the Homecoming King, Ben. Amber is super bummed because she sucks at game shows and is slowly realizing it. Is it really that much of a loss that you didn’t get to circle the track with Ben in a Mustang and relive the glory days? Well, it’s Amber, and her life is circling the drain, so yes. It probably really is a loss to her.

Then they travel to a rooftop of somewhere in LA to continue the date. L&L plans on telling Ben that she is totes normal but GD it! Becca steals him away first. Let the games begin! They play an awkward round of basketball, subconsciously making the viewer remember why Becca is a virgin. He then talks to low-rent Olivia Munn (is her name Jennifer? Jessica? Janice? WHO IS THIS GIRL!?) and he gives her the first real kiss of this season, which is SOOO Ben to do that with a girl who is that unmemorable. (Is she a dark horse like the recently Instagram-hacked Catherine Guidici?)

L&L then talks to Ben and apologizes for her actions and then makes some really weird small talk with him, which leads me to believe that she needs alcohol as a social lubricant because girl is definitely on the spectrum and needs a quick diagnosis. JuJuBee comes around, getting revenge for the elimination earlier in the day and grabs Ben. She opens up to him about being adopted, etc. But still no mention of why on Earth she got that chest tattoo. That must be held for group date 5, when they are really making a connection. They share an awkward kiss to where I’m cringing and actually hoping that L&L can do something to spice things up.

Thank the Bachelor Gods because this crazy lady does. “F*** these Bitches” L&L says. And my evil laugh comes out because this is going to be geeeeewwwwwd. She steals him again, but only to be even more awkward. All I’m thinking is how great of TV she is going to make for the next season of Bachelor in Paradise. JoJo and Ben then get to talking on the rooftop (which very reminiscent of Ben & Kaitlyn on a rooftop–The Bachelor must be running out of locations) and JoJo has never been this happy in her life before. Which makes me wonder if she had a childhood or ever achieved any accolades, but I digress because why do we EVER try to make sense of The Bachelor contestants? She ends up getting the group date rose and JuJuBee & L&L are PISSED.

I’m curious to see why Ben is attracted to Caila, who receives the first one-on-one date. I find her annoying and her face is weirdly shaped. Ben decided to let Harrison plan this date, and can you just imagine him planning a date? Calling places to secure reservations. Renting a car. Scouting locations. I mean, it is cute that they pretend. Anyways, the promotion for Ride Along 2–which weirdly came out on Friday and they so didn’t plan on this being cross-promotion, right–begins now. Kevin Hart & Ice Cube (who has come a long way from Straight Outta Compton…) show up to Ride Along with Ben & Caila for the morning. They tell Ben he should buy some Hypnotiq/Hennessey (I can’t remember) and some condoms. Ben says they have different ideas of a first date. That Ben, he’s so classy! They end up at a hot tub store, where they strangely get in one (they brought bathing suits with them?!) and so does Kevin Hart, which was funny two seasons ago with Chris/Kaitlyn and Jimmy Kimmel. But this season, its weird and uncomfortable and why does Kevin Hart have to try so damn hard?

After that weird rendezvous, they say goodbye to their new besties and end up at a private concert with one of Ben’s FAVORITE artists, Amos Lee, which who in the eff is that? Did he recently release an album? Is he an old star trying to make a comeback? This is definitely no Train and he is NOT singing “Meet Virginia.” I rate this 1/5 stars and hope that the show has better guest acts later in the season. These crazy kids slow dance and kiss and I’m bored. What do you guys think L&L is doing right now!?

Well we won’t find out until the rose ceremony because it’s time for Group Date 2, where they are matched in compatibility. Which apparently means getting down to your skivvies and letting Ben smell you. We should have all known Samantha was a goner when she was told she smells sour. Look, there is no coming back from that Sam. Take your losses and leave with your head held high. But she won’t because this is The Bachelor and self-esteem is not necessary. What a surprise that Olivia is the best match for him and she has this smug little face like “No duh” (and you know she totally uses that in her every day life, because she’s Olivia) and she is so confident in their relationship. TBH, this date was really weird, and whoever came up with the idea should be fired. Nobody was into it, and I think I fast-forwarded most of it because it was gag-inducing.

We then arrive at the cocktail party for the group date and Ben steals Olivia away first to take her to his hotel room, which what? Why does he have a hotel room there? Is he going to sleep there? Does he need a place to get ready? What happened to the Guest House?! Whatever, they kiss, she’s like oh change my name to Olivia Higgins. Which perpetuates my theory of the level of creepiness that you exude is directly related to how attractive you are. The more attractive, the less creepy. And as someone who is a hardcore creep, let me tell you, I’ve put in A LOT of research for this scientific experiment.

Afterwards, Olivia then asks the girls where they plan on taking Ben for their one-on-one time and when they ask where she went she makes her millionth weird face for the night and then decides she doesn’t want to talk about it. Um, you can’t ask a question and not expect for someone to ask you a question back. That is called conversing and maybe you need to join L&L on the spectrum, you weirdo.

Ben tries to redeem himself with Sam and tells her she smells like passion fruit, which Sam is like “OMG Ben, you’re toooootes scoring more points with me.” But again, all I smell is sour desperation. So maybe my smell-o-vision TV needs to go to the shop. Amanda, in her best baby voice, then reveals to Ben that she has 2 little kids and because Ben is a future politician, he’s like “I love kids! I’m going to brainstorm a gift that you can tell them your man-friend gave you to give to them!” And they kiss, and Amanda tries to be the second-coming of Emily.

FINALLY, we arrive at the cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony. The room is filled with nerves, insecurities, and alcohol! Olivia, trying to craft her role as this season’s villian, steals Ben, “her man”, from Leah even though that bitch already has a rose. Come on Olivia, you know you don’t do that, it’s like the rules of feminism! (TM Gretchen Weiners) L&L tries to bring the crazy by chatting with Ben again to let him know that she isn’t crazy, because that is how you secure yourself as the crazy one. We all know that L&L just needs to find her bottle of champagne, because that is the only rose she really deserves (I also don’t know where the accent key is on my computer, so the joke works when you say it out loud. Just try it. Please.)

Ben has some alone time with Lauren B. who I all but forgot about because she didn’t have a date this week. He gifts her a photo of their first time together, which breaks the 4th wall and reminds us viewers that besides being video-ed, there is also somebody there to catch still shots of the Bach and his ladies. She’s not too impressed, really playing the hard to get card, and if he wanted her to leave, she’d be fine with that. Which Ben is like wait, what? Nah bro, you need to stay. And Lauren B. has mastered the game of reverse psychology.

He pulls Amanda aside and they make barrettes for her daughters. Which is weird and creepy and they are literally bobby pins with plastic flowers. Her daughters are not going to be impressed. They live in Laguna Beach. And if we have learned anything from LC, Stephen, and Kristen, we know that Laguna Beach does not enjoy knock offs. But Amanda cries and is like oh this is so adorable. Then she secretly makes matching ones for herself so that her and her kids can be triplets. (I may or may not have made that part up.)

This is like the longest 2 hours of my life (and really 4 because I was on too many meds the first time around) and thank god the rose ceremony happens. He starts to give out the roses and we cut to L&L interviewing that she knows Ben doesn’t like her and she became the girl she isn’t and blah blah, have some more to drink because you’re keeping me entertained, girl. Then LB looks around and is like why TF am I here? I’m normal and cute and pretty skinz, I should be able to get a man the normal way. Also, I’m rocking tuxedo pants and a crop top and I’m looking fab. I’m out of here. And she leaves. Which means Amber totally got that rose to stay due to there being an extra one. You can just hear her inner monologue wondering why she isn’t good enough but maybe she is, and maybe she has another week to prove herself and why can’t she just win the effing show!?!?

This week we lost: Dentist Mandi, which I’ll really miss that weirdo. Nobody else does face melting quite like she does. I also can’t believe that Ben eliminated her after she beat Amber in a foot race! We also lost Sour Sam, who luckily has a law career to go back to. And maybe she’ll now invest in some deodorant (great candidate for BiP as well). And Jackie, which I have no idea who she is, so auf wiedersehen, you shall not be missed.

Take a Ride Along (2!)

Which Came First? The Chicken or the Ben?

Season 20 starts out with our beautiful Ben showing us around his hometown of Podunk, Indiana where he is the Grand Marshall for the town parade and if you listen juuuuuustclosely enough you can hear “Presenting The Bachelor….from…The Bachelor!”  

And apparently, he forgot to tell us that he was some hot shot athlete during the Glory Days and looked like the actors from Varsity Blues. (“I don’t want. Your life.”–but that is for another time)

We then switch to Ben talking to himself/us in the car. Telling us how he got his heart broken and is he possible, dare I say it? UNLOVEABLE?! I think we would be able to tell if he would just take off his shirt, but there is plenty of season for that and it BETTER HAPPEN!

Cue Chris MF Harrison (seriously, check out that twitter handle, you’re welcome in advance) in front of the infamous Bachelor Mansion. Reminding us all about Ben from Kaitlyn’s season. Deemed unloveable, is his match here?! This season?! Could it be….? Well, let’s find out.

Let’s do some limo highlights. Because if there is ever a way to make a first impression, most of these girls know exactly what not to do.

Lauren B–great bod, decent face and a flight attendant (read future: not home enough to yell at Ben for putting his feet up on the coffee table)

Mandi–this girl shows up with a big ole’ Red rose on her head and I just can’t. And yet, this isn’t even her weirdest moment of the night.

Samantha–she found out she passed the bar! so now she can have “lawyer” as her occupation under her name and age when shown on TV. YAY!

Amanda–super cute but a mom of 2. Can anybody say BAGGAGE?! Also, super annoying voice, hopefully her face can make up for that.

Jubilee–she will from now on be referred to as JuJuBee because who is this gal with the chest tattoo and her Wet Seal dress and oh? She’s a war hero? Do I have to be nice to her now?

Lace–well her teeth look like they are hugging each other but she does manage to give him the first kiss of the season, therefore letting the other 27 women end up as her sloppy seconds.

Shushanna–does anybody actually know if she speaks English? Or are we subjected to closed captioning for the 1, maybe 2 episodes she ends up sticking around for?

Leah–she got out of the limo and I thought, “Wow, she is stunning.” Then she brings out a football and bends over to hike it and things got weird and I had second-hand embarrassment.

JoJo–definitely my spirit animal (is that possible if she is human) as she strolled out of the limo with a unicorn head. I thought to myself, I would totally do something like that. I then realized ideas like this are why I am still single.

The Twins–I refuse to give them separate names until they turn on each other. Sister wives has been taken to a new level. And don’t ask me why I know this, BUT they definitely tried out to be Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders and didn’t make it past round 1. (I may or may not watch that other reality show on CMT…)

Manly Meagan–she shows up with a mini-horse. How do you beat Twins she asks? With a mini-horse! Which, no. No you don’t. And you’ll find that out at the end of the episode when you and Huey take that loooooong walk down the wet driveway.

Breanne–she is the epitome of “how do you know if somebody is gluten-free? don’t worry, they’ll tell you”. but she wants to break bread with him. Like legit smash french rolls on the curb. It’s like, are you really surprised when you don’t make a connection with The Bach??

Tiara–the chicken enthusiast who has never left her chicks for this long of a period of time, but also may be a bit normal? Ben thinks she is beautiful, but spoiler alert, NOT beautiful enough to make it past night 1.

Rachel–rides a hover board in, wonders why she is unemployed

–At this point, Lace is starting to hit the bottle. Silently, or not so silently, judging the girls–

After all the limo intros, Chris drops a HILARIOUS joke: “Stop me if you’ve heard this one before–A horse, a bachelorette an a unicorn walk into a mansion…” Do you guys think he improved that? If so, bravo Harrison, BRAVO!

Ben then calls his parents at what must be 3am to let them know there are many many girls who are absolutely stunning. Because Ben is still a man, and looks do matter (which means Red Velvet is for sure gone by the end of this episode.).

Ben enters the house to give the spiel of how lucky he is to be in a room and blah, blah, here comes Rose Head Mandi to steal him away. Let those games begin!

And by games, I mean a teeth cleaning and belittling about his flossing skills, or lack thereof. I’m getting vibes of “Free Spirit” Lucy from season’s past.

While this happens, a big ole surprise is taking place out front. It’s Becca and…who!? Ok so nobody remembers Amber, but daaaaang she cleans up nice. Good to know that whatever you catch in BiP, it can be gotten rid of with a bit of penicillin and a little eyeliner.

Lace is now looking for another wine glass. Ready to start double fisting, because no good story ever started with “so I was eating a salad…” She silently creeps watching Ben talk to Becca and Amber, slowly stalking her prey.

Finally, she interrupts JuJuBee, and then drunkenly asks for another kiss. And gets denied. Come on Lace, he isn’t here for just smooches. He now remembers he needs to know these girls for their minds.

BUT according to Lace, she tells Red Velvet that they were literally about to kiss. Literally! You DON’T make Lace look like a fool. Nobody puts Baby in the corner. NOBODY!

Ben grabs her to apologize and she says she is not happy. But they have a connection, so she lets it slide. Probably because her wine glass is empty.

Harrison drops off the First Impression Rose. Lace already knows she is getting that beezy because Ben is her man. But, shocker, it ain’t her! He gives it to Olivia because she is the most sparkly and has the straightest hair. Also, because they had a great convo.

He convenes with the girls and has some small chat. Then Harrison freaking shows up again. It really is never good news when he shows up. He’s like the Grim Reaper, but in a super expensive suit. Lace is pissed. Ben didn’t even look at her ONCE in the eye. How dare he! There are 27 other girls but clearly she is the one!

Rose ceremony: Amber says she feels something with Ben. I’ll tell you what she feels–desperation. Maybe she’s feeling that biological clock ticking on those ovaries because if this doesn’t work out, the next season of Bachelor in Paradise isn’t till summer. And if THAT doesn’t work, another season of The Bachelor is 6+ months after.

He gives the last rose to Lace, which thank god. It isn’t time to get rid of her yet. After the ceremony she is like love ME, give ME attention. And all I’m thinking is, this must work and I should probably add this to my arsenal of how to get the guy.

We said our goodbyes to: Tiara, the chicken enthusiast, Izzy who ain’t the onesie, Lauren with the lips (which good, too many Lauren’s!), Jessica (huh?! I thought for sure he would have kept her), Breanne the gluten-free bread breaker, and Manly Meagan and her mini-horse.

This season looks like a doozy. A black eye, a manipulator, kisses, hugs, drama, a hurricane that almost blows Ben away. I. CAN’T. WAIT!

Which Came First? The Chicken or the Ben?

We’re Back!

bachelor-girls-2016-940x545.jpgSeason 20 started last night and what better way to represent this momentous occasion than having what I consider to be THE BEST BACHELOR IN THE HISTORY OF THE SHOW, Ben Higgins find his not-just-for-TV, but instead his happily ever after wife. I’ll be here each week, recapping the crazy. Won’t you join me in this rose-colored adventure?

We’re Back!